Several years ago Paul*, 39, sat with his partner as she ranted about some office drama unfolding at her workplace. Gossip about her had made the rounds—the worst. As she spoke, her anger began to melt into a visceral sadness. The hurt and pain of what her coworkers were saying about her bubbled to the surface—because, let’s be real, that will sting.
Paul comforted her, wanting to be there for her like any good partner would. And then, in that moment, watching her tears flow, he realized he was white-hot turned on. “I felt a mix of love and gratitude—and a pang of guilt for being erect while she was in this state,” he says. “Grabbing the back of her neck and pulling [her] in for a kiss, I could almost smell the tears flowing down her face as our lips touched.”
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Luckily, Paul’s partner was very into this unexpected detour to horntown. One thing led to another and soon their primal instincts took over—leading to some, frankly, Cosmo Confessay–worthy sex.
As it turns out, crying is a major turn-on for Paul. He has a kink for tears (which, yep, is, in fact, a thing), describing them as “a pure aphrodisiac.”
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While crying may not immediately scream “sexy'' to the average person, this is actually a more common kink than you might imagine. There are over 65,000 clips on fetish site Clips4Sale with the keyword “crying” or “tears,” most of which come from the Crying category—because, yes, there’s a whole-ass subsection devoted to this corner of kinkdom.
Scientifically referred to as “dacryphilia,” this fetish describes being sexually aroused by tears or sobbing. You’re simply randy for that raw emotion, baby! While research has found that tears can dampen libido for some people, particularly cis men, it would appear to do the exact opposite for others. The complexity of human sexuality never ceases to amaze.
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As usual, we felt the need to investigate. Why are people into crying as a means of sexual gratification? Where does crying fit into kink and BDSM play? And possibly most importantly for the curious among us, how can you give it a go if you think you might be into it? Here’s everything to know about why you should never feel embarrassed about crying during sex ever again.
What Is Dacryphilia?
Dacryphilia is a paraphilia—aka a niche kink—that centers on the sexual attraction to crying, sobbing, and tears. “It occurs when someone is aroused or experiences sexual pleasure from seeing tears or hearing the sounds of crying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. People who could consider themselves dacryphiliacs may get turned on by their own crying, a partner crying, or both.
While research on tears as a fetish is limited, adult content centered on crying is plentiful. Avery Martin, who handles creator relations at Clips4Sale, says that crying in porn is stigmatized because people often assume the person shedding tears isn’t enjoying themselves—which, fair! According to Martin, however, this isn’t necessarily the case. “Tears can stem from happiness or distress, or they can signify vulnerability or gratitude. And sometimes, the fetish is just an erotic attraction to tears, no matter the source,” she says.
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Plus, tears can be layered into all kinds of content. “At C4S, crying fetish overlaps with face fetish, eye fetish, and make-up fetish. Tears and crying can also be incidental [to the content], rather than central,” Martin adds. “Spanking, tickling, and even oral sex can involve tears.”
Basically, tears can be the core fetish or be a welcomed byproduct of intense kink play. In either case, tears are (or at least can be!) a turn-on.
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Why Are People Into Crying Kinks?
Getting turned on by tears is not a simple and straightforward kink. Here are the three big factors that are central to a crying fetish, according to real people who have one.
1. Intense Emotion and Vulnerability
Philips says that, for the most part, the sexual appeal of crying seems to be rooted in the intense emotional states that come along with tears. When we cry, we’re deeply vulnerable.
“There’s something about being shown a woman’s vulnerability through emotion that feels empowering,” Paul says. “That a woman could feel safe enough in my presence to process her emotions—whether sadness, anger, etc.—is the ultimate turn-on.”
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Liz River, a Clips4Sale creator who has been making crying content for nearly 10 years, finds that the appeal lies in the inherent authenticity in crying. “You can’t really fake cry—you’re either doing it for real or you’re not. I think it's the vulnerability,” she says. River first got into making crying content when a longtime friend asked for a 20-minute crying clip and says she’s been into it ever since.
Mike*, 37, one of River’s past content companions, also recognizes the profound (and hot) impact of witnessing someone’s tears. “People seem more willing to let themselves be seen naked than crying. It’s really special to me when someone lets me see them in the total raw emotional state that most people would hide from others.”
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2. Crying Is a Stress Release
Some may associate crying with being turned on because of the relaxation knitted into a cathartic cry. Crying releases the mood-regulating compound manganese. “Manganese helps the body form connective tissues, bones, blood clotting factors, and sex hormones,” Philips says. “In other words, it is healthy to cry.”
Additionally, when we cry, we release a lot of stress and tension from the body, which in turn can lead to feeling relaxed and, yes, turned on.
No wonder crying can develop into a kink, you know? Much like sex, it feels amazing to do it sometimes.
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3. Powerplay and Kink
Tears and crying have a very special place in kink and BDSM, particularly during more intense play such as impact play, bondage, and other pain-for-pleasure activities.
Sex educator Alice Lovegood, a spicy content creator and founder of the Better Sex Blog, says that in kink, crying can be about “pushing past the point of comfort” for your dominant partner. You’re giving into intense sensation, beyond what you think you might be capable of, in service to your Dom. You want to give them the gift of your complete submission—literally to the point of tears. You’re crying because you’re willfully pushing past your limits. (This, of course, is done with enthusiastic consent, trust, and lots of post-play aftercare.)
But it isn’t just about pain-play. Sex educator Reed, a spicy content creator and host of the ComeCurious podcast, and her partner and fellow spicy content creator, Domic D, say tears can also come when you’re experiencing too much pleasure during a scene. Basically, you get to the point of breaking down. Your partner is pushing you past your limits of what you can handle sensation-wise—and you love it (and hate it and love it and love it). They describe this as “the ultimate submission.”
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4 Expert-Approved Ways to Play With a Crying Kink
1. Communicate With Your Partner
First, you want to get clear about why you enjoy this kink in the first place and how you see a role-play or scene involving tears going down. This will leave you better equipped to have an open and honest discussion with your partner.
Sex therapist Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast, suggests giving a Yes, No, Maybe list a try as a jumping-off point. This is a list of sexual acts where you and your partner mark down things you each want to try, things you’re maybe willing to try, and things you’re definitely not willing to try. This can get the conversation around kinks and fetishes going in a neutral way.
(For our full guide on how to talk to your partner about kinky sex, click here. You can also, you know, just show them this article.)
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2. Understanding Consent Is Key
Central to all kink play is consent—and this needs to be considered especially carefully when we’re talking about crying and sex. “We are not just making people cry and getting off on it without them knowing,” Heidegger says. Everyone involved in this scene needs to be 100 percent on-board. This means negotiating, discussing boundaries, and getting clear on the types of play you’re engaging in. Tears indicate highly vulnerable states and caution must be taken at all costs.
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3. Establish Safe Words
Safe words are nonsexual words used during kink play to let a partner know that you’re close to, or have reached, a limit. These words can be anything you want them to be. (Some fun suggestions: umbrella, strawberry, Hansel and Gretel, sailboat, etc.)
Since tears are often indicators that someone is in distress, we have to employ safe words to ensure everyone is enjoying themselves when engaging with them during sex. Safe words can (and should!) be used at any time during play, when needed.
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4. Have Aftercare Ready to Go
Aftercare is the set of activities that take place post-play. It allows partners to regain composure and settle back into a sense of calm after particularly intense scenes (and, let’s face it, crying scenes sure do fit that bill). This can look like cuddling, taking a shower together, talking through the scene, having a cup of tea, or even having some alone time. Every aftercare scene is customized based on the individual needs and preferences of those involved.
And, as always, here’s your regular reminder that having a sexual fetish, no matter what that fetish might be, is all fine and dandy as long as everyone involved in the play is an enthusiastically consenting adult. Anyone out there to yuck your yum can feel free to cry you a river.
*Names have been changed.
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Gigi Engle is a COSRT-registered, GSRD-accredited sex and relationships psychotherapist, sex coach, sex educator, and writer.
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