“Many [people with vaginas] describe feeling ‘stuck in their heads’ and experience worrisome or anxious thoughts during sex,” says sex coach, Tamica Wilder. “Too much mind chatter is one of the quickest ways to interrupt your access to pleasure and orgasm.” Consequently, many think the answer is to get out of their heads; to disconnect; to just “calm down.”
Instead of telling her clients to relax, Luterman says it’s more helpful for them to learn the skill of focusing and refocusing their attention, part of something she calls “mindful relaxation with an erotic anticipation.”
“Whatever you're thinking about or looking at is directly going to impact whether or not you're turned on,” she explains. If you're focused on the parts of your body you don't like, or the style of grasp that your partner is using that’s not appealing to you, Luterman says to practice shifting that focus to sexier things.
“Look at your partner's hand as they touch you. Look at how it's moving in a way that is appealing. Think about the pace, the music that's playing, the lighting, the feeling of the sheets, whatever variables that add to the cinematography of your movie,” she says. “By placing your attention on what is arousing to you in a mindful way, you are more likely to be effectively targeting your sensory arousal.”
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